I wake up at 3 Am, my naked skin softly being comforted by my fake satin sheets. I hug my pillows closer to my body and take my quilt and tuck it under my chin. I cannot express how grateful I am for my bed. The coolness of the sheets contrast with the warmth that the quilt provides my sleepy body. The AC unit kicks on and blows the curtains around.
The dog jumps onto my bed and squeezes herself in between the nap of my back and the quilt. She is a small dog. The curtains wave gently back and forth while the pull string clanks against the wall. My throat is sore from the snoring. I lay, bundled up to my neck with one foot sticking out.
My bed is shorter than I am, but I am still grateful to have one. I continue to tuck myself in, burrowing deeper into my bed in attempts to hide from the fact that in less than 4 hours I need to become an adult.
We are still in what I call a Finically Fragile place. It’s my way of smoothing over the fact that I am broke as a joke and if anything happens, we will be homeless once again. So, to ease the stress I say we are finically fragile. My daughter and I have gone from middle class to homeless all due to one court order and one man who continues to act vindictively. Every time I think we are getting stable, someone pulls the rug out from under our feet. It’s either the landlord has run out of patience, the bank has run out of patience or yet another slanderous court appearance to inadequately defend myself from a man who continues to use money and his lawyer to hurt us. It’s been a long 7 years after my divorce and, yet I still have to fight him in the courts. Let me rephrase that, I must show up, get demeaned, accused of things I didn’t do and pretend that the Judge MIGHT do something to stop him. I am sure this will remain the same for the next 5 years as Chloe will eventually be 18 and the court appearances will eventually stop.
I roll over, pushing Bella out of the way. I grimace at the fact that this entire time of our lives has been wasted on hostility, hate and an ongoing abuse that the courts allow. I squeeze my eyes tightly hoping that my thoughts will change. I don’t want to wake up unhappy or fearful, but I do every single day. We have been in such chronic stress, that I am constantly feeling afraid of what’s going to happen next. The cost of court has nearly cost us our new rental. It is 300$ round trip to attend these hearings. I lose a week of wages. 6 weeks total this year. I truly believe that the ex enjoys this. I sigh out loud and focus on the birds chirping. It’s very ALIVE here in Florida. There are so many animals and they can be very loud. After living in New England for 20 years, its overwhelming at times with all the chatter. New England is eerily silent in comparison. The sun is rising, the sky is a soft blue. We live by the bay and in the morning the salty bay air fills your nostrils with a slight tingle as though you are going to sneeze.
I break my cuddling with my pillows to get my morning coffee, wake up Chloe and check all my social media posts. Yes, I am gearing up to adult. As I walk into Chloe’s room I trip over a pair of her shoes and giggle. She is 12 and this is normal. In my past life raising another child, this would have been a sin. The OCD and anger we had to live in made everything seem as though it was a reason to have conflict in the house.
This is a sample of a chapter published in the book, The Book of Energy Healing. To pick up your copy click here.